The number one question you get asked when you go through a divorce is, “what happened!?” People want a simple answer like “he cheated” or “she was an alcoholic.” At least from my experience, the demise of our relationship was far from that simple.
Our marriage failed bit by bit from the very beginning and I didn’t even realize it as it was happening.
We had known each other for less than 9 months and only dated for about 6 months before we tied the knot. I had just turned 21 and he was 22. We had a lot of growing up and self-discovery to do.
I remember buying the book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” on our honeymoon. I couldn’t understand how our honeymoon wasn’t complete bliss! From that very first adventure, I noticed stark differences between our personalities and our expectations from marriage, but I figured I was overall happy and those little things would work there way out.
Over the years our issues chipped away at our relationship and we continued to sweep those issues under the rug. They weren’t big things, but they piled up.
One of the most valuable things I have ever learned about is “The 5 Love Languages.” It’s a book by Gary Chapman that essentially explains that there are five ways to express and experience love. Physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service.
My ex-husband expresses love through acts of service all the way. It was not uncommon for me to come home from a long day to find the kitchen spotless. Sounds great, right?! Most women would die for this. The problem was I’m a physical touch and gifts type of gal. The bigger problem, I never really explained to him that I need this kind of love. I don’t know at the time if I even understood it myself. Instead, I would get mad and jealous when I’d go to a friends house and her husband had brought her something home from Victoria’s Secret or I saw someone on social media on a cool date or vacation. I envied couples that were lovey-dovey in public. Mind you, I still don’t even know what he may have needed from me. I never asked!
I always heard “marriage is hard work,” but I had no idea what that meant. I naively thought that things would work themselves out and that I was being a good wife if I kept the house clean and put a meal on the table. On social media, you’d see us going to Disneyland, the perfect family of four. Behind the scenes, we were unraveling.
I guess my point in all of this is not to air out our dirty laundry but to make people truly understand that all those seemingly insignificant things can break you. Working too many hours, paying more attention to the kids than your spouse, snarky comments, little lies, letting your worst side be exposed around the ones you love because you trust they’ll love you anyway; all of it can slowly destroy what you once had.
By the time I sought counseling for myself, my marriage was over. I knew it deep down, but I didn’t want to admit it. We didn’t fall out of love overnight, we fell out of love over the course of 15 years of neglect and not really knowing what we were getting into when we committed to a lifetime.
I know there are a lot of people that have a “stick it out” attitude. Maybe there is something to be said for sticking it out no matter what, but I got to a point where my unhappiness was affecting who I was. I became a shell of a person, a ghost in my house. I wasn’t a good Mom, I certainly wasn’t a good wife. We had become completely different people. I wanted to go wine tasting and he wanted to go fishing. We didn’t have common friends, a common belief system, or common priorities. For us, it was better to move forward apart than to stick it out because that’s what society views as an accomplishment.
Getting married to my now ex was hands down one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I will never say I regret it. He’s one of the good guys and I couldn’t ask for a better father for our children. Do I wish things would have turned out differently? Perhaps, but I know going into the future that everything we went through has prepped us to be much better partners. I have grown more from this experience than any other experience in my life.
I wouldn’t wish divorce upon anyone and trust me I have felt enormous amounts of guilt for putting my children through it, but they have become stronger, more resilient people too.
From Disneyland to Divorce can happen to any of us. If it’s already happened to you, I encourage you to move forward and be better people even if you are better apart. If you are in a relationship and you want to make it work, work at it every single day. That may sound as cliche as it gets, but all those little things matter. Make it the biggest priority in your life. Put it before work, before the kids, before everything.
