Handling criticism has played a huge role in my mental health. Honestly, I hate being criticized. I’m a deeply sensitive soul, so words cut to the core, but I’ve found some ways to cope when people’s judgement hurts my heart.
I’m one of those people that holds onto words for years. I remember being a pre-teen and cleaning the bathtub at home. I was really proud of my work, and when I showed my mother her response was full of criticism. There was still a ring around the tub. I didn’t scrub hard enough. I didn’t use the right cleanser. She probably doesn’t even remember this incident, but I remembered going from an emotional high of feeling proud of myself to not feeling good enough. Truthfully, one person may have looked at that bathtub and thought I did a great job, while someone with my Mother’s standards of cleanliness found my work subpar. The problem is what I allowed her words to do to my self-esteem.
How many of you have encountered seemingly silly little moments in your life that left you feeling embarrassed, ashamed, dumb, small, or unworthy?
I’ve allowed countless moments like this to create an ongoing dialog in my head that says “I’m not good enough.” I have allowed those thoughts to literally set myself up for failure time and time again.
Earlier this week my dog got out and the kids and I were chasing him down the street, trying to corral him back into the house. A neighbor of mine that I do not know stopped and rolled down her window. My initial reaction was, “How nice! This neighbor of mine wants to introduce herself and say hello!” “Maybe she thinks my dog is cute, or my kids are sweet to be helping me.” I quickly and cheerfully responded “Hello!” with a big smile on my face. My smile and greeting were met with, “Don’t let your dog poop on my lawn!” My heart immediately sunk. I thought, “I never let my dog poop in people’s yards. I always take a baggie with me when I take him for a walk. Why is she accusing me of something I don’t do?” I told her “Oh, no, he just escaped and we are trying to get him back home.” “I always clean up after him.” Her response, “Well, there has been a lot of poop in my yard lately.” This woman’s words have stuck with me all week. The problem is I have allowed them to.
The biggest “ah-ha” moment I have had with criticism is learning that it usually comes from a voice of insecurity or it is a problem with the person who is delivering the criticism.
My mother may have been critical about how the house was cleaned because her mother was critical with her. Maybe my grandmother thought the only way to gain praise from my grandfather was by having a spotless house. If you start digging into why people are the way they are, it usually doesn’t take long to find some answers.
Maybe the woman who snapped at me about my dog had had a terrible day. Most likely, words of criticism have very little to do with you.
One of the most painful and ongoing bouts of criticism I have faced has been within my job on the radio. My former radio parter was acutely critical of every word that came out of my mouth. I’ve never met someone more perfectionistic than him. His criticism would always sting the most when I would take off my headphones and think to myself “that was a great break!” “I’m really proud of my work.” When these thoughts were followed by criticism, my heart broke. I started not trusting my own judgement. What I thought was good, I was being told was not good enough, but that’s not true.
What was really going on with the man that was criticizing me is that he was insecure with himself. For some reason, when people are insecure with themself, it makes them feel better to find fault with others. Little by little I am learning to trust my own judgement. I listen to others, but I try to not take it to heart too much. What makes him God? What makes his opinion right and mine wrong? Nothing.
I think dealing with criticism will always be difficult, but this is what I try to tell myself when someone judges me.
- I remember my initial feelings about myself. If I felt good about myself before the criticism, there is no reason that their words should change my opinion of me.
- Where is the criticism coming from? Is this a person that may be having a bad day? A person dealing with insecurity? Why do I hold so much weight in this person’s opinion?
- Is this criticism constructive? Can I take what I am doing and grow from their words? This doesn’t mean that I’m a terrible no good person, or that I haven’t done a good job, but can I take their words in a positive way and build upon myself?
- Any time those words of criticism pop back into my head, I try to shut them down or work through them so that I can throw them in the trash. I held onto my mother’s words about the bathtub for nearly 30 years. No one’s criticism deserves that kind of attention!
- Criticism is not fact. It is someone’s opinion and that’s subjective. Do I even respect what this person has to say? I don’t know the woman who snapped at me about dog poop in her yard and I know I always take care of picking up after my dog, so throw that criticism away!
I’ve wasted so much time in my life allowing other people’s words to affect the way I feel about myself. I’ve allowed those words to hold me back in social situations, in the work force, in relationships, and in my community. That is my fault. Learn to trust your gut and believe in yourself and your abilities. 90% of the time, I’ve found those words of criticism hold very little truth.
For other self-help tips see below.
