My dysfunctional relationship with the mirror started when I was a teenager. As I approached 13, I developed hips. The image I was used to seeing in the mirror, the skinny awkward girl with glasses, was turning into a woman. I didn’t know what to make of my ever-changing body, so I viewed my new figure as fat.
For seven years I battled eating disorders. I spent countless hours over analyzing my breasts (or lack of), stretch marks on my thighs, and I constantly compared myself to women in magazines. I counted every calorie, every fat gram, and measured out my food when I ate. I would look in the mirror and think, “I HATE the way I look.”
I think I’ve struggled with some level of body dysmorphic disorder most of my life. When I discovered I had scoliosis (a rare deformity of the spine) I would look in the mirror and think, “I’m a monster.” I remember wishing I was fat instead because at least people understood fat and maybe I could do something about it. I felt like people could never understand deformed, and they certainly couldn’t understand how a petite blonde who seemingly had it all could hate the way she looked.
My relationship with that reflection in the mirror hasn’t always been physical. I have had times in my life where I was so ashamed of who I had become as a person that as I would get ready in the morning I would avoid looking in the mirror. I felt like such a disappointment to my parents. I felt like I had failed my kids, I HATED the girl in that reflection.
I would often have thoughts like “how did I become this person?” or “I don’t even know who that person in the mirror is.” I was a shell of myself.
One very pivotal moment in my life was when my daughter heard me laugh on the radio (for those of you who don’t know me personally, I have been a morning radio personality for 15 years.) My daughter said, “Mom, you have such a cute laugh! I’ve never heard you laugh before!”
It was at this moment that I knew I had to stop going through the motions and make some major changes in my life.
I had to tackle my self-esteem issues. I had to tackle my relationship issues, and I had to stop hiding from my past.
After years of therapy, going through a divorce, and discovering my own personal relationship with God, I have finally become pretty comfortable in my own skin.
Sure, I can still pick myself apart. My hips are too wide, my forehead is too high, and there are a lot of things in my past that I am not proud of; but I’ve learned to embrace all that I am and I’ve learned to truly love the girl in the mirror for the first time in my life.
