My friend Zizly was dumped just a few months before her wedding by a man she had been with for nine years. This is her story.
I was supposed to be a married woman today. That’s not happening.
Seven months ago I was dumped. It came out of left-field and I was devastated. We were high school sweet-hearts, and had our life planned out. To me, our life was perfect. I found out, it wasn’t.
I was now a 26-year-old who’d never been single in her adult life, who’d never lived alone, or even knew what it was like to be alone. I went through the typical response after a break-up:
- Cry – I cried….a lot.
- Drink – Thank goodness for Costco-sized wine – my roommate and I still have plans to re-purpose those bottles into pretty little Pinterest-style somethings.
- Eat – I went through loads of ice-cream and $5 pizza with my friends
- Cry – some more
It was the biggest heartbreak I’d experienced, and I didn’t know what to do. Luckily, ‘what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’ And that’s exactly what happened.
Then it was moving out….this was the hard part. Sorting 9 years worth of stuff; it felt like a divorce. All the memories, all the ‘stuff.’ But after a few days and the help of my best friends…I did it. I thank God every day for my friends, without them, my ‘rough’ patch would have been a whole lot more rough. I moved in with one of my best friends, Meagan (she along with another best friend, Tawsha, were the first ones to comfort me….at work, in the studio next door).
The worse part was over.
For the first time in about two weeks, I felt proud of myself. For getting through a move and start living on ‘my own’ for the first time EVER. I felt independent, strong, and hopeful that everything would be o.k. Things were looking up.
I spent the next several days doing logistical stuff. Changing the name on bills, closing bank accounts, canceling all wedding-related items, ya know the usual stuff.
At this point, I was still angry…at myself. I blamed myself for the breakup, for not doing everything in my power to keep it alive. I decided to write down everything I could think of that could’ve contributed to my heartbreak.
- I could’ve listened more
- I could’ve been more engaged
- I could’ve said ‘I love you’ more
- I could’ve been more encouraging.
Little did I know, these ‘reasons’ I wrote down….weren’t for him. They were for me. They were things I knew I should do….in the future, to make me a better person, to know what I needed from a future partner. It was a list of things I wished I would’ve come up with sooner. Who knows, maybe it could’ve prevented everything and I’d be getting ready right about now. But I’m a huge believer in ‘things happen for a reason.’ I know, in my heart, this was supposed to happen, for the both of us.
THE MOVING ON
It’s Christmas time…at this point I’m convinced it’s over. It’s time to move on. I dove into my work and my appearance. I felt like if I looked good on the outside, I’d feel good on the inside. I started doing my hair and my makeup every day, and it felt really good! I felt -for the first time since it all happened-confident.
I started laughing more, being more optimistic, and starting to love life again. It was a good feeling.
I’ll be completely honest. I’m still jaded. I still have trust issues. I still find myself feeling like no matter what I do, and how I treat someone….it could happen….again. Thinking about the possibility hurts me to my core (and is also makes me cry as I type it out).
If you know me, you know that I love people, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I love hard. Theses thoughts, have literally changed me as a person…and I think that has been the most devastating part about it. It has changed the way I love.
Could someone love me despite that?
The answer: yes
I didn’t think I’d find him so fast, but I did. I met someone, who knew my history, knew what happened, and knew how I felt. But most importantly, he understood. To this day, I continue to show signs of distress, mistrust, unworthiness. And he remains, to remind me that I’m entitled to those feelings, that he’ll gain and earn that trust, and that I amworthy of love.
Remember how I said I believe in ‘things happen for a reason’? This couldn’t be more true for us. You see, he had gone through similar heartbreak just a few months prior. We found ourselves with broken hearts, but we both believe we were meant to heal….together.
I’m so thankful to have him in my life. Plus he makes ridiculously good tacos…
THE LETTING GO
I’ve cried a lot throughout the last seven months. It’s been hard. But more importantly it’s been reflective and-quite honestly-necessary.
I’ve learned that I can make it through heartbreak, I can live on my own and support myself, and I will be a better person because of this.
All that’s left to do…is let go. Let go of what I thought would be. Let go of the anger, the shame, the feelings. I’ve been dreading today for a long time. But now that it’s here…I’m thankful. It’s the day I can close a chapter.
It’s the day I can look back and see how far I’ve come, I’ve found my true self through heartbreak, and that’s ok with me.
