Lonely is something I never anticipated dealing with as an adult. Lonely comes in many different forms and none of it is fun, but it’s taught me a lot of lessons about life.
I dealt with a fair amount of lonely growing up. I felt misunderstood at home. Making friends didn’t come easy. I couldn’t wait to get married and have kids someday so that all of that lonely would go away, but it didn’t exactly happen that way.
In those early days of marriage, lonely came in the form of Sundays spent far away from family. I have lived at least 4 hours away from my parents and siblings for my entire adult life. I thought that when I grew up Sunday’s would mean family dinners, games, and gathering, but they didn’t. My husband’s family wasn’t as tight-knit as my extended family had been growing up, and with my family at a distance, the day meant a lot of lonely.
When I had children, I was rarely alone, but I still felt a lot of lonely. I worked odd hours and spent most of my days home alone with our son. Lonely settled in from not connecting with adults and feeling alone in my struggles with Motherhood.
When my oldest was diagnosed on the Autism spectrum, lonely was felt in the isolation of having a set of problems that I felt most other Mom’s couldn’t relate to. While it seemed that every other Mom was scheduling playdates and signing their kids up for typical pre-school, I was running from therapy to therapy and trying to get our son to talk.
As the years went on, I’ve had a hard time finding my “tribe.” In the wake of social media, lonely was often felt in the form of seeing the party or book club on Facebook that I wasn’t invited to.
One of the most interesting aspects of lonely is when you’re in a relationship and you still feel lonely. I felt a lot of that in my marriage. I set myself up for lonely by not communicating what I needed and not being satisfied with what he had to offer. I spent a lot of time scrolling Instagram and being jealous of other people’s date nights, vacations, and love.
The biggest dose of loneliness has come post-divorce. All of sudden I had a quiet house every other weekend. No one to make dinner for on certain nights and an awkward expectation to develop a new social life that has never come naturally for me.
What I’ve learned from all of this loneliness is to rely on myself a lot more. No one is guaranteed to be here by your side tomorrow, so it’s crucial to become comfortable with yourself. Even more importantly, I’ve learned in those lonely times that the emotion will pass. I’ve learned to treasure the time I do get with my loved ones and I’ve had to learn to get out of my comfort zone and solve some of that lonely by taking the initiative to call a friend to come over or go to lunch.
The truth is, some steps in life need to be taken alone. It can be crucial in figuring where you need to go and who you want to be.
