For the longest time, I’ve been a master at holding a grudge. It’s not something I am proud of. I’m a really sensitive soul. I can conjure up moments that make me so angry in a heartbeat and my distaste for the person continues.
I have felt justified in having hard feelings. Holding that grudge has made me feel powerful as if I was winning the fight. What I didn’t understand was that I was the biggest loser of all.
Once I started to really acknowledge my feelings and process through my emotions I found forgiveness, but it hasn’t been an easy road.
One thing I noticed very early on in my life is the association between love and hate. It’s almost impossible to have hatred for someone you don’t love because otherwise you just don’t care! Hate takes up a lot of energy. Unless you have a passion or love it’s hard to put that much effort into hate. This associate has been an “ah-ha” moment for me because I realize that love is in there somewhere.
Another key I have found in processing through hurt and anger is to put myself in other people’s shoes and to make sense of why they are the way that they are. If you do some digging, it doesn’t take long to see the “why” behind a person. It may not excuse their behavior, but it’s easier to forgive when you understand that the behavior stems from somewhere.
The last piece for me is recognizing that I am far from perfect. We all sin differently, and I hate the hierarchy that we have created with sin. When I realize my imperfections I am far less judgemental and I find myself being more empathetic and forgiving towards others.
I found this article on “Anger” in Psychology Today so interesting. It says that a good deal of our anger is motivated by a desire to not experience guilt and the distressing emotions of hurt and fear. Anger is almost never a primary emotion. Anger stems from feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. Anger is used as a cover-up to keep our more vulnerable feelings at bay. I don’t think they could be more spot-on.
It’s important to acknowledge our feelings. We all have a right to be angry or to feel hurt by other’s words and actions, but holding onto those harmful feelings only hurts yourself in the long run. If you want to “get back” at someone, the most powerful thing you can do is forgive.
