My first encounter with divorce romanticized the experience a bit.
My aunt Juli went through a divorce when I was around 6-years-old. I don’t remember anything nasty about it. All of a sudden she had a seemingly better life. She went on to marry a man who made a lot of money, they built a big house, and everyone seemed happy.
I have always looked up to my aunt Juli. She’s one of the kindest, most non-judgmental people you will ever meet. I wanted to be just like her when I was little. That included to no fault of hers, the fact that I didn’t view divorce as an awful thing.
When I met my now ex-husband I quickly learned that he came from a divorced household. This may sound completely crazy, but I found it wildly revolutionary that his parents had gone against our strict religious norms. I suppose that just because it was different from what I had, I thought it was exciting that he had two homes and two different experiences at each household.
Growing up I didn’t understand my parents marriage. They seemed more like casual friends to me than romantic partners. They were rarely affectionate in front of us. From my naive point of view it made marriage seem lackluster and boring.
I remember seeing my friends parents make-out in the kitchen and I thought, “I want that.” “Either that or a divorce that lands me in a luxuriously better spot!”
I had a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do.
Rarely does divorce end up the way my aunt Juli’s did. Divorce is often followed by financial struggles, loneliness, shame, and insecurity.
My parents have a great relationship, they just aren’t publicly affectionate people. There is a lot more to marriage than making-out in the kitchen. My parents are fiercely devoted and both sacrifice a lot for each others happiness.
I think often times when we are on the brink of divorce it is easy to think, “life will be better when I’m divorced.” “I won’t have to deal with these characteristics that my partner has that drive me crazy.” Abuse and infidelity aside, the grass is usually not greener on the other side.
In my post-divorce dating experience, people have different struggles than my ex-husband has, but they have character flaws just the same. So do I.
If you are considering a divorce, I encourage you to take a step back and ask yourself if you are romanticizing what you think your post-divorce life will look like. In most cases I’ve found it’s not necessarily better, it’s just different. Undoubtedly, divorce comes with a lot of lessons learned along the way.
